Coupledom on Steroids

Ready or not, Valentine's Day is only a week away and soon you'll see enamored couples littering the streets like glitter in a strip club. People tell you that it's not a real holiday and that it's just another corporate sell-out birthed here in the USA, but what they won't tell you is that they're single, lonely and miserable and most likely won't get anything but a macaroni picture from thier little sister. Your best bet is to just join in on the lust-tivities and enjoy this round-up of old Valentine's day traditions from around the world:

France: This one was one of the most interesting, here it was custom for persons to literally walk into the homes directly across them and claim a lover for the day. It gets even better, If they see the inhabitants are unfit to their tastes, they would leave and just go to another house until they found a worthy Valentine. Inevitably, there would be some genetically inferior women (and men) who were left valentine-less and would proceed to make a bonfire where they throw in and curse at pictures and/or belongings of men who scorned them. Angsty women(and men) of yore definitely didn't screw around in acting out OR arson.

Japan: Because they always have to be the black sheep, women of Japan are actually the ones who buy gifts for their lovers. But don't worry, even if they don't love you (or even like you) they will give "giri-choco" out of sheer obligation. "Giri Choco" literally means obligatory chocolates, so I totally wasn't kidding about the required part. Thanks to Confucianism (?) the Japanese hate accepting gifts because they feel obligated to give a gift in return and/or feel embarrased for getting one in the first place, as in, they don't want you to think they need your stupid candies. So, one can be confused as to whether it's even a good thing to get chocolates in the first place, whether by martial law ("giri chocolate") or because you're loved. As it turns out, it doesn't really matter, because exactly one month from Valentine's day, on March 14th, on what they call "White Day" the men who received chocolate are supposed to give even pricier chocolate to the women who gave THEM chocolate. I can't help but wonder if this would result in a never-ending circle of unwanted obligation and forced gift-giving.

Russia: They didn't even fully recognize our fluffy holiday up until recently. School kids may have given each other cards, but it was frowned upon in the Orthodox country. And you thought you had it rough, getting only three valentines in your box in grade school.

Ireland: A little offbeat, but still charming. In the Emerald Isle, the traditional gift is a bouquet of flowers, however if you really want to woo a girl, you'll make her chocolates and cookies, and if she loves you back, she'll present you with pink-colored food like pink bread, red cake, and pink mashed potatoes; you'll be ingesting a lot of red lake #44 (bugs). Otherwise, it's just another day to celebrate just for the hell of it.

Italy: I found these to be the most heartfelt, probably because Valentine's Day is named after a St. Valentine, who was martyred ('killed for others' benefit' for those of you too lazy to google that) so that men and women could marry whomever they wanted, in a big "fuck you" fashion to betrothed marriages. Depending on where you are in Italy, you'll find a bunch of shops selling traditional Italian gifts like chocolate, perfume, satin pillows, cheeses and wines; what makes these stalls interesting is that they are arranged to make a giant heart. Or you can participate in love letter or poetry competitons and coctktail making. They also have this cute thing where you write your name and your significant other's on a paper heart and attach it to a fishing net hung from buildings on the harbor. The catch is that whichever hearts are left tied to the net after all the wind, rain and bitter singles(probably) have had at the pieces of paper, those are the relationships that will last forever.

Mexico: Flowers are king here, the all-time best gift everyone wants is arranged flowers. The gifts aren't really what shines here, it's the dances, festivals and even balls that take place. Traditionally, men would have a mariachi band sing beneath the window of a woman he loved. School children might also write love notes and tie them to balloons and then just let them go (they didn't really think that one through, did they?). I've never been to Mexico on Valentine's Day, but this is what the internet told me happens there. I am Mexican and the family parties I've been to have over-dressed relatives with more alcohol (tecate or budlight) than there are children (this IS an accomplishment) and brisket is the food of choice. Maybe it's just mine.

Australia: It didn't seem much different from American Valentine's day but it did say they like to give "bandaged bears" to children and that popular gifts are tickets for canoeing, helicopter rides and skydiving. Because if there's no chance of you dying, than it's just not love.